date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell