I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate