Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Don’t touch that.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.