Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
The glockness monster
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.