I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Guy who likes music
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Just a friendly reminder!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.