Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
He’s cranky this morning
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
LOL
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?