Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?