My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Lucky old June.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
What the dentist sees
some Old Testament wisdom
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.