when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I feel seen.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Finally
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today