Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.