Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
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love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now