The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
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Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.