me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
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By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
nobody’s gonna understand
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag