Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
cat vs inanimate object
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.