A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
shut up and take my money
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”