My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.