I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.