People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente