I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.