ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Banking tips
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Something Saturday.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.