If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
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date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms