Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
not seeing the problem
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Every damn time
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.