Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.