Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
dutch is not a serious language
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies