Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.