Cat.
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My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward