Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.