The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I’m calling the cops.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*