“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it