Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson