Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
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The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow