maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
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Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak