me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH