I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
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You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Trumpy Cat
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]