My first son he is wonderful
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REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.