9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails