When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix