I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Cannot stop laughing at this
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral