[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
You Might Also Like
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]