The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*