You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
can’t talk my ride’s here
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
The old gods are rising again.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered