I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
mumsnet is amazing
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.