I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
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Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
no regrets
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
kitchen magnet
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.