*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something