me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*