37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.