I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I’m crying im so happy for them
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most