Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
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Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*