If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
hackers play passwordle
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting