If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.